Christian Youth Association

Sunday 18 June 2017

Unrealistic Expectations In Marriage

Phantoms are an unattainable standard by which we measure our performances, abilities, looks and characters, and they can derail marriages.
During World War II the American forces in France had a phantom military outfit -- a group called the 23rd Headquarters Special Troops.
With careful staging and show-business theatrics, they impersonated real troops and created an illusion of military strength to strategically fool the Germans.
To mask the true location of their real troops, for example, they created fake tanks and other equipment that looked real from the air.

Battling Imaginary Phantoms

Many husbands and wives have such phantoms lurking in their minds -- unreal mental images that they think they need to battle.
No one else can see the phantoms except the individuals who conjure them up, but they seem real nevertheless.
Phantoms are an unattainable standard by which we measure our performances, abilities, looks and characters.
While there's nothing wrong with having a goal to aim for, a phantom by definition is an illusion, an apparition or a resemblance of reality.
Within your mind you have a picture of how you should act as a husband or wife, father or mother. And chances are this image is so perfect, so idyllic, that it is completely unattainable.
Yet, every day you judge your performance by this phantom! And since you cannot match those standards, your self-esteem suffers.

Struggling Daily with Phantoms

The more distant your phantoms are from reality, the more frustrating it is to live in their shadows -- and the more confusing it can be for the spouse who can't see the apparition and is left wondering why his or her mate seems dissatisfied and unhappy. Phantoms can derail marriages.
My wife, Barbara, sat down one day and described her phantom -- what she felt she was expected to be as a wife and mother. Here is a portion of what she wrote:

She is always loving, patient, understanding and kind.
She is well-organized, with a perfect balance being disciplined and flexible.
Her house is always neat and well-decorated, and her children obey the first time, every time.
She is serious yet lighthearted, submissive but passive. She is energetic and never tired.
She looks fresh and attractive at all times, whether in jeans and a sweater digging in the garden or in a silk dress and heels going to dinner.
She never gets sick, lonely or discouraged.
She walks with God daily, prays regularly, studies the Bible diligently, and is not fearful or inhibited about telling others about her faith.
She "prays without ceasing." She prays over flat tires, lost keys and lost teddy bears.
She "gives thanks" when her husband is late for dinner.

Remember that phantoms are illusions. Only we don't recognize them as such.
Again, having such goals may spur you to doing better and being better.
But when they become illusory expectations, you become insecure and wonder if your mate accepts "the real you." You may feel like a loser when your mate may actually consider you a winner.
My own phantom is just as lofty and unattainable as Barbara's:

He rises early, reads the Bible and prays, then jogs several seven-minute miles.
After breakfast with his family, he presents a 15-minute devotional.
Never forgetting to hug and kiss his wife goodbye, he arrives at work 10 minutes early.
He is consistently patient with co-workers, always content with his job.
His desk is never cluttered, and he is confidently in control.
He arrives home on time every day and never turns down his kids when they want to play.
He is well-read in world events, politics and important social issues.
He never gets discouraged, never wants to quit and always has the right words for any circumstances.
He constantly plans romantic outings for his wife and himself.
He can quote large sections of Scripture in a single bound, has faith more powerful than a locomotive, and is faster than a speeding bullet when solving family conflicts.

Ultimately these phantoms put us under a crushing pile of guilt. And here's where the marriage relationship can really help. Sit down with your mate and spend some time describing your own phantoms.
Ask your mate where these expectations came from. Talk about which of these expectations are realistic and which are not. Slay the phantoms that lurk within.

How to slay the Phantom

Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?
Are you aware of your mate having such a "phantom"?
What's the difference between healthy goals for personal growth and an illusion or unattainable self-image?
Sit down and write out your personal version of the "phantom." Share this with your spouse.
Now make up a new list of goals for yourself. Make them realistic and attainable, then evaluate them with your mate.

How to Grow Friendships That Last a Lifetime

The “Slip Wall” is an obstacle of legendary proportions featured on NBC’s Spartan Ultimate Team Challenge. Angled at 45 degrees and slicked with mud and grease, the wall is nearly impossible to ascend alone. It takes a team assault, a coordinated effort of climbing stacked bodies and hoisting teammates over the top.
Navigating the challenges life throws at us can feel equally daunting without committed, long-term relationships.
Attacking the obstacles together makes overcoming them feel possible, but going it alone means near-certain defeat.

The problem with men and meaningful friendships

In 2014, Men’s Journal published an article entitled “Do Men Suck At Friendship?”
The answer, bluntly, was pretty much.
It presented the “Male Deficit Model,” based on 30 years of research, which shows that male friendships typically fall into three categories – convenience, mentoring, and activity. The study argues that men tend to drift apart whenever the shared convenience, mentoring, or activity ends. There is no underlying depth that keeps the relationship going once the function it’s centered on is gone.
Are your friendships like that? Mine used to be.
Until college, my friends were mostly guys I played games and sports with or who shared the same lunch period. Now, at 36, I can count on one finger the high school friends I’m in touch with.
Both Scripture and life experience show how important friendships are. The difficulty lies in finding meaningful friendships and holding onto them.
Since college, I’ve been fortunate to be part of a group of men who have experienced life-changing friendship as we climb life’s walls together.
Here are three lessons we’ve learned about building friendships where iron truly sharpens iron.

1. Find Your Team

College offers a rare experience of community. Life is relatively unencumbered with responsibility, and you live in close proximity with thousands of people your age. It can be a relational goldmine.
I got involved with Cru at Penn State and tapped into a rich seam of rewarding friendships. Growing in Christ and engaging in ministry together provided bonding agents for dozens of strong male friendships.
I found my team. Where can you find yours?
You could try actual teams, in sports or recreational activities or in planning a church event, as a way of bonding with those who share a similar vision or passion. Men bond most often through shared experience, whether that’s a road trip or house renovation.

2. Put A Stake In the Ground

My senior-year Bible study was with seven close friends. Our leader gave us an example that changed our lives.
He and his college friends made a lifelong commitment to each other, which they called a covenant.
The eight of us chose to do the same.
We signed a document with this stated goal:
To maintain and build upon the godly friendships that the Lord has blessed us all with, and to continue sharpening each other for life.
“Communication was the commitment,” says Rick, one of the eight. “Initially it was face to face once a year and regularly outside of that.”
We shared struggles, bared our souls, and asked for prayer through regular spill-your-guts emails. And we gathered yearly to make new memories and dig deeper into each other’s lives.
“Now we know each other not just as college classmates, but as husbands and fathers,” says my friend Brian. “As we spend life together, those relationships keep growing.”
Our commitment has evolved as life’s responsibilities have increased, but it was important to put that stake in the ground before we went our separate ways. Good intentions aren’t enough.
That simple act of making a commitment has been the most powerful ingredient in maintaining lifelong friendships, especially now that we’re spread across huge distances.

3. Take Off Your Mask

A 2013 Barna Group study concluded that meaningful relationships are the most significant reason why millennials stay connected to church.
My seven friends and I confirm this theory. As we all approach 40, none of us have drifted away from our faith, even for a time.
“These men are willing to listen and be honest and not say necessarily what I want, but what I need,” says Brian.
It’s been an anchor point that’s allowed us to be vulnerable within a group where we’re completely accepted. We’re imperfect and broken, but loved and secure.
We’ve cried over a broken engagement while sitting around a campfire, driven across state lines to be present for the funeral of a stillborn child, and shared our deepest, most painful wounds with one another.

10 Things to Do While You're Single

Contrary to what some people think, being single is not a curse.
The time you spend single – which may be a temporary life stage, or could be your whole life – is actually a gift, if you treat it as such. It gives you the opportunity to do some things that would become more difficult after marriage, and properly prepare for marriage – if that is your goal.
So how do you get the most out of your singleness?

Use time wisely.
You’ll never have more free time than you do right now, as a single person. If you’re tired of hearing that over and over from married people, it’s because it’s true. They’re all speaking from experience. So how will you use this time? (1 Timothy 4:12)
Go somewhere difficult.
You can always travel, but you can’t always travel anywhere. Marriage, kids, and even older age can make many trips more difficult and complicated. But right now, you can travel pretty much anywhere that your car or an airline will take you. So see the world. Go somewhere that needs Jesus and share Him there. (Romans 10:15)
Work to learn, not just to earn.
Having things like a family and a mortgage do cost money, requiring a reliable income and somewhat limiting your job options. If you’re single and relatively young, you can prepare for that now by learning the skills you’ll need to get the job you really want. Look for a job that will actually pay you to learn those skills – it may not pay much, but that’s OK, because you only have one mouth to feed. (Proverbs 22:29)
Get to know the Bible.
Continuing on the “learning” topic, the best time to learn your Bible is now. Again, you’ll never have more time to study, and you’ll never have more years to benefit from learning it and putting it into practice. There’s no better “skill” to learn than to know how to navigate and utilize the Word of God. You’ll learn who God is and what He desires for you, and be able to give Godly counsel to others when they are in need. (2 Timothy 3:16)
Pursue purity.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your future spouse is to limit the amount of baggage and bad habits you bring into the marriage. And there is no better time than now to learn how to be faithful in a relationship. If you practice blindly following your sexual urges, you’ll develop the habit of always following your sexual urges – even if they lead you outside your future marriage. (1 Corinthians 6:18)
Pray for your future spouse.
Pray how? Well, you can start by praying this list for them. Pray that they would be using their singleness well and preparing for marriage. Pray that they would know God and walk faithfully with Him. Pray that you both would trust His timing and not get derailed by “shortcuts.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Join a church and serve there.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I had to put it in the list because for some crazy reason singles seem slow to join and get involved at a church. I don’t get it. If you’re a Christian and part of the body of Christ, you’re not meant to live outside the body – it would be like your pancreas trying to survive outside your own body. God made you to be alive in His church. So find some imperfect church that teaches the Bible and join there. Come under the elders’ authority. Serve and give there. Share your talents there so that you might experience life as it was given to you to experience. (Hebrews 10:24-25)
Get a roommate.
Nothing will prepare you for marriage better than having a really dysfunctional roommate. I’m serious. Some single people say “I like living by myself.” Well, then you are going to HATE marriage. I’d practice living with roommates now. Work through conflict with them. Practice communicating well with them. (In case you think I am talking about someone of the opposite sex: I am not. Read this.) (Proverbs 27:17)
Build healthy habits.
Taking care of your body gets more and more difficult. At some point in life your metabolism slams on the brakes, but your eating habits and exercise habits continue as before. So train them well now. Scripture says your body is a temple. It doesn’t need to be a chiseled temple that you stare at in the mirror, but it should remain a healthy temple. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Look for a spouse.
Disregard this one if you don’t want to be married. If you do, however, you can be sure that a spouse will not fall through the ceiling into your lap. (If they did, go back to number 4.) To find a spouse, you need to be where future spouses are – see also number 7. (Proverbs 18:22)

wo Essential Questions For Christian Dating Couples

A lot of people have the tendency to think a Christian dating relationship is dull or lacks adventure.
And while there may be plenty of examples to feed the stereotype, this doesn’t mean that your life needs to be this way.
If you’re under the impression that Jesus wants you to conform to some ridiculous mold that sucks the fun out of your dating life, it’s time to rethink who Jesus is and start to form a renewed mindset about what His desires are for your life.
He wants you to enjoy dating to the fullest, and He wants you to begin to lay the foundational groundwork now so you can build upon it as time moves forward in your dating relationship.
Shaping that foundation is critical, here are two helpful questions we should ask ourselves before a relationship spontaneously begins to grow.

Are you going in the same direction?

If the person you are dating seems to be going in a different direction than you in any regard, time can pass in the beginning where you are able to ignore it, but as the differences become more obvious or glaring, eventually the tension begins to dramatically increase. And the further apart you are when the breakup happens, the more painful it will be because you’ve been together longer.
“Are we going in the same direction?” is an extremely important question to ask. When you are dating someone, this is one of the first things you want to consider. You’ll avoid a lot of future pain if you’re honest enough to address the potential relationship-ending issues now rather than later.
Of course, this is especially important in the spiritual aspect of your relationship. I have known and talked with many people who have compromised and decided to settle for someone who just isn’t on the same level as they are in their walk with God, and time and time again, it has been a recipe for a relationship disaster. Sadly, Christians are consistently guilty of compromise in this area.
Regardless of the situation, when a Christian compromises, and settles for someone who doesn’t have a passion for Jesus, tough spiritual times lay ahead. If they are going in opposite spiritual directions, it can be very harmful/hurtful to both parties involved if it’s not addressed early on.
A Christian who desires a healthy, fruitful relationship with God has no business dating someone who doesn’t care about following Christ wholeheartedly.

Are there godly people around you?

The Christian life is always meant to be experienced in the context of community and fellowship with other believers, and a couple should never date in isolation.
When we begin to separate ourselves or break away from the pack, so to speak, a number of bad consequences start to creep into our lives. Our three enemies: the world, the sinful nature or “flesh,” and the Devil, can easily gain a foothold and influence our decision making in a negative way.
However, if we proactively involve other caring believers in our lives, they are often able to spot areas where we might be prone to compromise and succumb to temptation.
For dating couples, the urge to isolate frequently rises up and it can be tempting to cut other people out, but it’s never a good idea to pursue seclusion when you’re dating someone. Removing other important friends or family members from your romantic endeavors propagates all kinds of sinful stuff.
You need godly people in your life to give you balance and perspective. You need input from individuals who are wiser than you. If you want your relationship to experience health on every level, you cannot date in a vacuum, devoid of others.
I’m not saying that your dating relationship is, in fact, everyone else’s business to the point that too many people are giving you unsolicited advice on every tiny detail of your life. That would be extreme. I’m saying that you should involve the godly people you trust the most. The kind of folks who will ask you the tough questions about maintaining the spiritual health of your relationship.
Men should be asked if they are leading their girlfriend toward Jesus, and serving her sacrificially. Women should be asked if they are pointing their boyfriend toward Christ, and encouraging him to be in love with his Savior.
Without these kinds of questions, motivations start to slip, guards come down, and the hypnotizing lure of sin can quickly creep in and poison a godly dating relationship.
A couple in isolation is a couple in danger, so surround yourselves with godly men and women who care about you and care about Jesus.
If you do, you’ll be laying the right kind of building blocks that shape a foundation, bringing honor to the Lord.
Check out other resources on dating.

Are you going in the same direction?

Are there godly people around you?

Life & Relationships

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

-Ephesians 4:2-3

Does God Exist? Straight-Forward Reasons

Just once wouldn’t you love for someone to simply show you the evidence for God’s existence? No arm-twisting. No statements of, “You just have to believe.”
Here's some reasons that suggests God exists:
Consider this, if a person opposes the possibility of a God, then any evidence can be rationalized or explained away. It's like someone refusing to believe people have walked on the moon. No amount of information is going to change their thinking. Photographs of astronauts walking on the moon, interviews with the astronauts, moon rocks - all the evidence would be worthless because the person has already decided people cannot go to the moon.
When it comes to the possibility of God’s existence, the Bible says there are people who have seen sufficient evidence, but they have suppressed the truth about God. For those who want to know God, he says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you.”
Before you look at the facts surrounding God’s existence, ask yourself, “If God does exist, would I want to know him?”

The Earth is located the right distance from the sun. Consider the temperature swings we encounter, roughly -30 degrees to +120 degrees. If the Earth were any further away from the sun, we would all freeze. Any closer and we would burn up. Even a fractional variance in the Earth’s position to the sun would make life on Earth impossible. The Earth remains this perfect distance from the sun while it rotates around the sun at a speed of nearly 67,000 mph. It is also rotating on its axis, allowing the entire surface of the Earth to be properly warmed and cooled every day.
And our moon is the perfect size and distance from the Earth for its gravitational pull. The moon creates important ocean tides and movement so ocean waters do not stagnate, and yet our massive oceans are restrained from spilling over across the continents.
WATER
Water is colorless, odorless and without taste, and yet no living thing can survive without water. Plants, animals and human beings consist mostly of water (about two-thirds of the human body is water). You’ll see why the characteristics of water are uniquely suited to life:
It has an unusually high boiling point and freezing point. Water allows us to live in an environment of fluctuating temperature changes, while keeping our bodies a steady 98.6 degrees.
Water is a universal solvent. This property of water means that thousands of chemicals, minerals and nutrients can be carried throughout our bodies and into the smallest blood vessels.5
Water is also chemically neutral. Without affecting the makeup of the substances it carries, water enables food, medicines and minerals to be absorbed and used by the body.
Water has a unique surface tension. Water in plants can therefore flow upward against gravity, bringing life-giving water and nutrients to the top of even the tallest trees.
Water freezes from the top down and floats, so fish can live in the winter.
Ninety-seven percent of the Earth’s water is in the oceans. But on our Earth, there is a system designed which removes salt from the water and then distributes that water throughout the globe. Evaporation takes the ocean waters, leaving the salt, and forms clouds which are easily moved by the wind to disperse water over the land, for vegetation, animals and people. It is a system of purification and supply that sustains life on this planet, a system of recycled and reused water.6
The HUMAN BRAIN
The human brain simultaneously processes an amazing amount of information. Your brain takes in all the colors and objects you see, the temperature around you, the pressure of your feet against the floor, the sounds around you, the dryness of your mouth, even the texture of your keyboard. Your brain holds and processes all your emotions, thoughts and memories. At the same time your brain keeps track of the ongoing functions of your body like your breathing pattern, eyelid movement, hunger and movement of the muscles in your hands.
The human brain processes more than a million messages a second.7 Your brain weighs the importance of all this data, filtering out the relatively unimportant. This screening function is what allows you to focus and operate effectively in your world. The brain functions differently than other organs. There is an intelligence to it, the ability to reason, to produce feelings, to dream and plan, to take action, and relate to other people.
The HUMAN EYE
The eye can distinguish among seven million colors. It has automatic focusing and handles an astounding 1.5 million messages – simultaneously.8 Evolution focuses on mutations and changes from and within existing organisms. Yet evolution alone does not fully explain the initial source of the eye or the brain – the start of living organisms from nonliving matter.

The universe had a start, so what caused it? Scientists are convinced that our universe began with one enormous explosion of energy and light, which we now call the Big Bang. This was the singular start to everything that exists: the beginning of the universe, the start of space, and even the initial start of time itself.
Astrophysicist Robert Jastrow, a self-described agnostic, stated, “The seed of everything that has happened in the Universe was planted in that first instant; every star, every planet and every living creature in the Universe came into being as a result of events that were set in motion in the moment of the cosmic explosion…The Universe flashed into being, and we cannot find out what caused that to happen.”9 Steven Weinberg, a Nobel laureate in Physics, said at the moment of this explosion, “the universe was about a hundred thousands million degrees Centigrade…and the universe was filled with light.”10
The universe has not always existed. It had a start… what caused that? Scientists have no explanation for the sudden explosion of light and matter.

Talking About Hell With Someone You Care About

God was always a touchy subject with my friend.
Talking to him about my faith was never simple. But I never felt like I was standing in a minefield until the day he asked me the question.
“So, what you’re saying is that if I don’t believe this, I’m going to hell?” my friend asked, barely able to look me in the eyes.
I paused. I had explained that I believed Jesus was the only way into God’s presence. I believed that the definition of hell was being outside of the presence of God, forever. I felt stuck.
“Yes,” I responded in tears.
We’d been talking for hours about his background, and his objections to the Christian faith. I tried just listening, asking questions so I could understand him better. But this question changed the conversation.

I can’t forget the look of anger on his face, fueled by pain. The friend he trusted had just placed him under the ultimate judgment.

Eight years later, I’ve discovered ways to respond that I wish I’d known then. But the topic of hell never gets easier, especially with people we’re close to.
By the world’s standards the Christian view of hell is narrow and judgmental. And Christians can be so caught up in having correct doctrine, that we become detached and unsympathetic when talking about other people’s eternal destiny.
Is there a way for Christians to avoid shying away from the question of hell without seeming uncaring?

Does anyone deserve to go to hell?

To understand hell requires understanding sin. Sin isn’t just doing something wrong. Sin is what separates us from God, the source of all good things.
Sin is ascribing more value to anything in our life than we do to God. When we do that we become slaves to those things. Sin is the ultimate form of slavery.
Pastor and author Timothy Keller writes, “Every person, religious or not, is worshiping something – idols, pseudo-saviors – to get their worth. But these things enslave us with guilt (if we fail to attain them) or anger (if someone blocks them from us) or fear (if they are threatened) or driven-ness (since we must have them).”

Guilt, anger, and fear are like fire that destroys us. Hell is being left to struggle with those things alone, forever.

Explaining Hell

The Bible clearly outlines how broken humanity is apart from God. In Romans chapter 1, Paul writes that God “gave them up to…their desires.” Keller elaborates, “All God does in the end with people is give them what they most want, including freedom from Himself.” Either we choose God and give our lives to Him, or we choose a life apart from Him, and he honors that choice for eternity.

So is God a loving father or a judge?

In a sense, He’s both.
When someone says that they can’t believe a God of love would send people to hell, they probably have a one dimensional view of love. But think of any loving parent and you see a more complex picture.
Love means to adore someone, to forgive, and to be patient when wronged. God does these things with us. But offering correction or discipline is also loving. A parent often teaches a child right from wrong by demonstrating the consequences of making poor choices. The parent “judges” the actions of the child in order to nurture. So does God.
But God is more than just a parent. He himself is the definition of goodness, and the creator of life. The natural order working as it was designed depends upon our willingness to accept His authority and trust in His total goodness.

We need to let God be God. The alternative is allowing broken humanity to be the ultimate authority over itself. Not a good plan.

When talking to non-believers about the doctrine of hell it’s vital that we speak with truth, but also with compassion, love, and respect. Ultimately our aim is to point people towards Christ, God’s solution to our imperfection. (Read a fuller explanation of how Jesus saves us from hell.)
So how can we go about difficult conversations in a loving way?

Ask the right questions

Let’s return to that moment in the minefield with my friend. He asked me if I thought he was going to hell, but what was he really asking me?
Was he asking me if I worshipped a God who judged him or was he asking me whether I was judging him? Given the anger on his face when I answered him, I suspect it was the latter.
You’re not just dodging a bullet by telling your friend that it’s not ultimately about what you think in the end, it’s about what God thinks. You are simply doing your best to help them hear what God would say to them.

We don’t have to be on the defensive. Find out why your friend is asking you about something you believe, and ask them how your explanations sound to them.

What does your friend think you are saying? Are they correct?
If someone expresses anger or frustration, there’s likely pain in their life causing them to distrust God or Christians.
That conversation with my friend was one of the last times we ever talked deeply about our beliefs.
But I’ve never forgotten being asked that question.
It drove my desire to focus on knowing what I truly believed and why I believed it.
Some useful resources to help you talk about your Christian faith: